i'm in a place of angst

my pain has caught up with me now.
i'm okay is the longest game i've ever played and it never ends but the pain catches up and the carefully constructed wall of productivity crumbles and i say to myself
who was i ever kidding

i want things
people
until they want me back
and i do a one-eighty and run away because it's what i do best
just to trip over the choices i never made and drown alone in my
own desperate hateful lonely tears
and i don't learn ever
don't grow ever
i'll forever be five years old with scraped knees
as well as fifteen with scraped wrists
and i'll never be fit to be an adult
and i get the love i don't deserve and throw it away
just to die alone, i suppose
and there is never anyone to blame.

but she didn't talk to me? she didn't give me time? it couldn't have been all me surely not not again
(it was mostly me)

anyway it hurts a lot and it's caught up with me now